this is so cool

I am a human

CONFESSION: I’m breathing.

Dear Everyone,

I am a human that breathes.

Please be my priest. Not in the Catholic “We’re in box together!” sense. More of an Old Testament, one leader absolving the sins of many via sacrifice. By reading this, you’ll be breathing along with me. Thus, collaborating in my ongoing struggle with breathing. I’m hoping you’ve got a perfect sacrificial lamb of penance for our breaths. No? Welcome human.

I’ve tried to quit but I also am really intent on living. It’s vicious. So I breathe. Moment after moment. Honestly, I can only hold my breath for about a minute before my slaves (lungs) have to go on churning their daily butter of breath.

I cannot escape this cycle. Not even on a unicycle, bicycle, tricycle or my mortal combined enemy: The UniBiTri.

Most times I don’t even think about doing it. That’s how arrogant my brain is. It makes everyone work for me while being me (Inception/BodySnatchers/CrissAngel Reference HERE). I just breathe. I don’t care about the process. GIVE ME THAT OXYGEN. I mine oxygen incessantly without any care for Molecular Worker’s Rights. I rip particles apart with my nostrils. I abuse the air space with illegal dumping of carbon dioxide…almost every second. I’m ashamed but I can’t stop.

You know what the worst part of it is? I actually enjoy it. The feeling of it. I know, it’s sick. Especially coming up for air after swimming to the bottom of a lake pretending I’m a Liopleurodon from the late Jurassic era. The first gasp, OH REJOICE BODY, of air filling me selfishly. *Note: if you did not notice that ‘fish’ was in selfish after I mentioned Liopleurodon (although not a fish but a water dweller) I obviously need to go back to school to get my MFA.

I’m just going to get this all off my chest (with another breath). Look, not only do I take in air for my own needs but I rob scents from things as well. It’s two birds baby. I collect with interest. Is that a pie? Thank you very much. Thanksgiving dinner? I’ll smell and breathe like this ALL DAY LONG. Please, I’m not boasting, I just need to tell my story.

If you’re too far gone like me, you’ll even breathe around other people. I do it in tight spaces. Elevators, carpools, coffee shops…my bed. My poor wife. I’m addicted to breathing and I won’t stop. The more I write the more I realize I’m in love with breathing. You know what? I’m not sorry at all. In fact, I’m grateful. I didn’t ask to breathe or have breath put in my body. This one’s on you God.

INHALE. EXHALE.

INHALE. EXHALE.

All hail the breath. It’s breadth is far greater than I’ll know. 

Sincerely,

A Liberated Breather


  1. chrisriedell posted this